Families nationwide and around the world are struggling with unprecedented challenges. Challenges including facilitating children’s online education from home; transitioning from offices, businesses and customer service venues to virtual workplaces; learning to be patient despite the lack of balance among work, hobbies and family time; and financial worries, we are all dealing with much-higher-than-normal stress levels. For divorced couples with children, the challenges are often particularly difficult.

Even the most friendly co-parents disagree from time to time. Often, those disagreements escalate to overt conflict. Unfortunately, many times that conflict involves going to court — at great cost in terms of time, money and emotional investment. When schools are closed, concerns about health are heightened, and laws and governmental guidelines are put in place regarding social distancing, a situation is created for even more conflict among coparents, who struggle to find solutions. Some coparents are concerned that the best interest of their children — and their families — will not be met by adhering to the standard timesharing agreement laid out in their children’s parenting plan.

Tricia Moreland,* a dental assistant, has been divorced from her children's father, Arthur Moreland, for four years. Tricia and Arthur equally share custody of their children: Jake, 11, and Amanda, 10. Since the social isolation imposed by the COVID-19 pandemic, Tricia, a museum curator, has been working from home. Arthur, who works in information technology at a local hospital, has been working mostly from home, but is on call 100% of the time and frequently has to go into the hospital to troubleshoot computer-related issues. Since schools have been closed, Tricia and Arthur have continued their week on/week off timesharing schedule with their children, with each of them overseeing their children's homeschooling during their parenting time. However, Tricia has become extremely concerned about continuing the standard parenting time schedule, since her children’s father does not have the option to stay home to supervise the children’s schooling. Furthermore, the father’s workplace — a hospital setting — puts him in proximity of people being treated for the coronavirus. Tricia has reached out to Arthur and volunteered to keep the children with her for the duration of the pandemic, and has offered Arthur makeup timesharing when the crisis is over; however, Arthur has refused to go along with her plan.

As attorneys everywhere often tout, "You never know what a judge will do." However, judges in several states, including Texas and Indiana, have issued orders that custody and timesharing arrangements are to remain in place, regardless of social distancing recommendations and "safer at home" orders. With many courts closed for all non-emergency domestic situations, co-parents have no choice but to get creative with their problem-solving.

The following are some suggestions for coming to an agreement with your co-parent, without going to court:

1). Focus on facts, not feelings

While it is understandable that feelings may run very high with any issues having to do with one’s children, when we are overly emotional it becomes that much more difficult to use good judgment. Use your self-care strategies to center your mind and focus on your goals. Remember that your co-parent is your child’s other parent; try to stop thinking of them as your “ex.” This will help you focus on creating and maintaining a businesslike relationship with your child’s other parent.

2). Negotiate

Once you have your feelings in check, it’s time to reach out to your coparent to discuss solutions. The first step in negotiation is to try to see things from the perspective of your child’s other parent. Remember, seeing things from another person’s point of view doesn’t mean that you agree with them; it simply means that you understand their position. Then, make a proposal that addresses the position of both parents.

3). Try a problem-solving app

If negotiation fails, it may be beneficial to consider using a neutral third party. The most cost-effective way to do that is often using a co-parenting app. The Co-parenter app uses artificial intelligence and real people to assist moms and dads in reaching a compromise.

4). Hire a co-parenting coach

Co-parenting coaches are specifically trained in problem-solving, crisis management, and communication assistance. Their goal as neutral facilitators is to help dads and moms work together to decrease conflict, problem-solve, and ultimately to jointly create a plan that is in the best interest of their children. Co-parent coaching is often a much lower-cost alternative than going through the court system, and can result in solutions much more quickly — often in the same day.

5). Hire a mediator

Sometimes, coparent coaching can result in agreement between the parents on some of the issues, but not all of them. If this occurs, your coparent coach can usually refer you to an experienced family mediator. Mediators work with coparents to develop solutions to their conflicts, which may include permanent or temporary changes to the timesharing schedule and/or the parenting plan. Mediators can also assist coparents in creating settlement agreements that become binding when filed with the court.

Coparents almost always agree that their children’s care and safety should come first. The suggestions above can help dads and moms focus on that point of agreement, and create solutions that are the best fit for their unique situation.

*names and identifying details have been changed. 

© Florida Family Options, Inc, 2020

Disclaimer: The contents of this article should not be interpreted as implying professional counsel or the establishment of a therapeutic relationship. If you or a family member require professional guidance, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area.