Effective Time Out: A tutorial
by Dr. Tracy Mallett, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Use time out to enhance communication.
Taking a Time Out can be a powerful tool for improving communication, especially in emotionally charged situations. It’s a great skill to master, because it allows anyone who needs it "Time" to calm down, be rational, think before speaking, imagine the desired outcome, and then speak with a tone of voice and message that will best help to achieve that outcome.
Another advantage of using a time-out is that it gives you the opportunity to clarify your priorities and goals for the conversation.
When tensions are high, it’s easy to lose focus and get sidetracked by unproductive arguments or irrelevant issues. A time-out allows you to step back, reassess what truly matters, and identify the main points you want to address.
This clarity can help you:
Stay on-topic and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Communicate your thoughts more effectively and assertively.
Focus on problem-solving rather than blaming or defending.
By re-centering yourself during a time-out, you increase the likelihood of achieving a positive and productive outcome.
How a Time Out can improve communication
Reduces Emotional Overload:
When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things you might regret or to misinterpret what the other person is saying. A time-out gives you space to calm down and process your feelings before responding.Prevents Escalation:
Stepping away from a heated conversation can prevent it from spiraling into an argument. It allows both parties to cool off and return to the discussion with a clearer mindset.Encourages Thoughtful Responses:
A time-out allows you to reflect on what you want to communicate and how to do so effectively, rather than reacting impulsively. This leads to more constructive and respectful interactions.Improves Perspective:
Taking a break can help you step back and see the bigger picture, making it easier to empathize with the other person’s point of view and identify solutions instead of focusing solely on the problem.Promotes Problem-Solving:
When you’re calmer and more composed, you’re better able to approach the conversation collaboratively, working towards solutions rather than getting stuck in blame or defensiveness.Shows Respect for Boundaries:
By recognizing the need for a break, you demonstrate self-awareness and respect for both your own limits and the other person’s. This can build trust and mutual understanding.
Taking a time-out shows emotional maturity and a commitment to resolving conflicts constructively, fostering stronger and healthier communication.
The Rules of Time-Out
In order to be effective, a Time Out should have rules and structure. The rules of time out are:
1). Any person can take a time out, for any reason.
2). The person calling the time out simply says "Time Out!" and discontinues participating in the conversation.
3). The other person (or persons) should be respectful of this request, and discontinue the conversation as well.
4). During the Time Out, use the time wisely. Engage in calming activities — such as deep breathing, a short walk, or journaling — to clear your mind. You also may choose to draft a letter to the other person (don’t send it yet, though!)
5). The person who called the Time Out is responsible for ending it, either by re-initiating the conversation, or by asking that the topic be postponed and addressed at a specific time in the future. Discussion of the topic that prompted the escalated emotions or behaviors should not be re-attempted until all participants are calm and rational.
6). Time Out should not be used to avoid conversations. Ideally, the time out lasts only 20 minutes or so. The conversation should be calmly resumed within the same day. Be sure to follow through on your commitment to revisit the discussion when ready.
Note: A time-out is not an appropriate coping mechanism when someone is being abusive (calling names, being aggressive, yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc). In these situations, it is perfectly appropriate to set the following boundary:
“I will not stay in a situation in which I am being mistreated.”
The appropriate coping mechanism in this situation is to remove yourself from the situation and go someplace safe.
Remember: Boundaries save relationships, and taking a Time Out is an effective boundary to use when the conversation stops being effective. Don’t be afraid to take a Time-Out … it’s an important tool in your communications toolbox.