Creating a “must-have” list for a potential partner
by Dr. Tracy Mallett, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, LMFT
Before you enter a relationship: Know what you are looking for!
Considering compatibility before starting to date someone is important for several reasons:
Shared Values: Aligning on core values (e.g., family, career, lifestyle) can help prevent future conflicts and misunderstandings.
Communication Styles: Understanding each other’s communication preferences can foster healthier discussions and resolve disagreements more effectively.
Interests and Hobbies: Having common interests can enhance your connection and make shared experiences more enjoyable.
Future Goals: Compatibility in life goals (e.g., marriage, children, career ambitions) ensures you're on the same path, reducing potential heartbreak later.
Conflict Resolution: Knowing how each person handles stress and conflict can prepare you for navigating challenges together.
Emotional Needs: Recognizing and respecting each other’s emotional needs can strengthen your bond and create a supportive environment.
Social Circles: Compatibility in social preferences (e.g., introversion vs. extroversion) can influence how you spend your time together and with friends.
Lifestyle Choices: Differences in lifestyle (e.g., health, finances, work-life balance) can impact daily life and long-term happiness.
Cultural Backgrounds: Awareness of each other’s cultural differences can enhance understanding and enrich the relationship.
Long-Term Satisfaction: Assessing compatibility early on can lead to more fulfilling and sustainable relationships, minimizing the risk of separation down the line.
Taking the time to explore these aspects can lead to a deeper, more meaningful connection and a stronger foundation for a potential relationship.
Creating a “must-have” list for a potential partner
Well before you begin a relationship, it’s key to have a clear understanding of what — specifically — you are looking for. You might accomplish this by creating a list of criteria for a potential partner, taking into consideration what you want your future life to be -- both short-term and long-term.
Take some time and create two different lists.
The first is "non-negotiables" or "must-haves" -- A list of criteria that you will require to be present in a person with whom you have a partnership relationship.
These may include things like:
honesty
integrity
loyalty
strong work ethic
gainfully employed
sense of humor
shares your ideas about spirituality/religion
shares your ideas about how to spend holidays
shares your ideas about how to manage money
shares your priorities and plans when it comes to planning for children
has healthy relationships with friends
enjoying, and getting along with, their family
is willing to interact with me in my love language
Then, make a list of "desirable but not mandatory" “wish list” characteristics: Ones that you would be looking for in a potential partner, but wouldn't be a deal breaker if they didn't have.
Examples:
enjoys hiking
is a dog/cat person
likes rom-coms
is willing to go with me to the theater
remembers my birthday
Once you have these working lists in place, it becomes much easier to "screen out" potential dates who are not compatible with what you are looking for in a partner. Doing this diligently saves a lot of time and emotional energy.
I usually advise my clients to create both lists on the "notes" section of their phones, and continually revise/update the lists.
The goal of creating and maintaining these lists are to make sure that anyone you are spending time with meets your criteria. This is extra important because it reduces your risk of becoming invested in a person that you will be incompatible with.
Remember — have these lists in place before you start spending time with ANYONE who could be a potential partner! Don’t set yourself up for the heartbreak of finding yourself in a relationship with someone with whom you aren’t compatible.
You’ve got this!