by Dr. Tracy Mallett, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, LMFT

Misunderstandings can significantly hurt relationships in several ways:

1. Erosion of Trust: When misunderstandings occur, trust can be compromised. One person may feel betrayed or dismissed, leading to doubts about the other’s intentions.

2. Increased Conflict: Misunderstandings often lead to arguments or heightened emotions. Instead of addressing the actual issue, partners might focus on the misinterpretation, escalating the conflict.

3. Emotional Distance: If misunderstandings go unaddressed, individuals may withdraw emotionally. This distancing can create feelings of isolation and disconnect.

4. Negative Assumptions: Misunderstandings can lead to incorrect assumptions about a partner's feelings or behaviors, fostering resentment and bitterness over time.

5. Communication Breakdown: Frequent misunderstandings can discourage open communication. Individuals might hesitate to share their thoughts, fearing they will be misinterpreted again.

6. Impact on Intimacy: Trust and open communication are foundational for intimacy. Misunderstandings can create barriers that prevent deeper emotional connections.

7. Cycle of Resentment: When misunderstandings are not resolved, they can lead to a cycle of resentment, where each unresolved issue adds to the burden of the relationship.

Addressing misunderstandings openly and empathetically is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and fostering understanding.

Oftentimes, we become emotionally triggered based on incomplete information (or even information that we are assuming, which may or may not be accurate).   

The “What I hear you saying is …” exercise  

The secret to effective communication is not in the judging or evaluation of the content that is being shared (they might be "right," or perhaps not), but more in the understanding of the perspective of the other person (allowing them to feel heard). When you show curiosity, you are conveying interest and empathy on what the other person is trying to communicate. Ideally this is done in turns, where then you have the opportunity to share your experience. By having this joint experience, both parties can become less defensive and the communication oftentimes results in a positive outcome. 

Here’s one way this can occur in practice:  

Partner A: (explains a viewpoint) 

Partner B: "What I hear you saying is .... (summarize Partner A's viewpoint)." 

Partner A then either indicates that Partner B's summary was correct, or clarifies their viewpoint. If a clarification is needed, then Partner B repeats "What I hear you saying is ...." until Partner A agrees that Partner B got it correct.  

Only when both agree that Partner B fully understands Partner A’s comment may Partner B give a response.  

Once you understand your partner's viewpoint -- and your partner is reassured that you correctly understand, and thus FEELS understood -- it is much easier to agree to disagree, because the "If my partner just could UNDERSTAND, then he/she would AGREE" mindset goes away.